We all (well most of us anyway) want a devoted partner, close friends, and a loving family. But trying to find the right partner, make friends, and build a family can do a number on our psyche.
Relationships are a minefield of rejection and disappointment, betrayal and failure. They wreak havoc on our self-esteem, make us question our lives, and they can leave us feeling completely broken.
But, relationships also provide us comfort and support, love and confidence, purpose and meaning. This back and forth natural drama that takes place when we engage in relationships can be very difficult. We oscillate between hope and hopelessness, and the highs of love and the lows of loneliness. Relationships aren’t easy, and neither is solitude.
So what are we to do?! Here’s the answer.
Why Building Relationships Is So Hard
It is not easy to give someone else our heart. But as difficult as forging relationships can feel from time to time, there is one simple reason why the ups and downs — the rollercoaster — feels too exhausting and draining: you are not anchored to presence.
When we are anchored, centered and still, we can watch and enjoy the ups and the downs. There are many ways to anchor ourselves in the present moment, which I will go into, but first we have to anchor the vision we hold of ourselves. To do this we have to practice no longer seeking confidence — not from others or our own mental chatter.
When we put our heart out there and become vulnerable in relationships, it’s common for us to go back and forth between feeling amazing and feeling crushed. Love, and not just romantic love, can be like a drug. But it’s a drug that only other people can give us and it can’t be bought. This can make love very dangerous. The loss of love may even be the number one cause of suicide.
To overcome this danger we need to do two things.
- Practice universal love. This means loving everyone and everything — especially the hard stuff. Love the person who rejected you. Recognize their humanity, their individuality that may not have been right for you, and their unique past and traumas you may know nothing about.
Love the bad dates and the nights alone. Love the mean people who are hurting themselves. Love the kindness, but also love the rudeness. It’s all just the world. Love it exactly as it is. - Second, instead of fluctuating between thinking “I am great” and “I am terrible,” practice resting in “I am.” It is our desire for confidence that makes us unconfident. Depending on praise or a loving relationship makes us a victim of circumstance. Be content with just being and you will be confident.
Witness your thoughts, good and bad, and just allow them to be. Stay peaceful no matter what random silly thoughts pop in your head. They are not your highest self talking to you. Your highest self knows you are enough, you are the miracle of life, and you are no worse than a mighty oak tree or a majestic lion or a beautiful butterfly, none of which have insecurity or doubt. We often internalize the critical thoughts of people around us, but only a sick society would judge another person. Recognize that like every other species and animal, being alive is enough, it is a gift, and you are worthy.
How to Accept That I Will Be Alone Forever?
Are you carrying your entire future on your shoulders? Oh my goodness, that is too much weight to carry. How exhausting! Try just carrying this one moment at a time. Give this moment your full attention. Goals are good and you can set them, but don’t let the future rob you of the bliss that is possible in this very moment.
No one can see the future. That future you dread may not even come. You don’t have to live in hope or fear. You can just live for this moment. Make this moment the best moment you possibly can and the future will work itself out.
When we pay attention to this moment, we become alive. This is how we get out of our head and let go of insecurity and self-conscious thoughts. When this moment becomes joyful, life becomes joyful. When we do things with joy, we create the life of our dreams naturally and effortlessly.
We can wash the dishes with presence and joy, we can talk to strangers without any need of reciprocation. This is the definition of magnetism and attraction. Joy is contagious and people will want to be around it. So the question isn’t how to accept being alone forever. The question is, how can I be happy right now. Answer that and you will rarely be alone.
How to Survive Alone?
It’s a funny thing in our Western society. So many people in relationships want to get divorced, and so many single people want to get married. We can’t stand relationships and we can’t stand solitude. We always have this notion that the grass is always greener. But the truth is, both are beautiful and wonderful.
There is nothing objectively bad about solitude. In fact it is very peaceful. The problem is, we resist peace. We fight it. We avoid it at all costs. This resistance is called stress. Like resistance training in the gym, our inner resistance to solitude is what causes the tension we experience in our bodies. But we can set that weight down. We do that through radical acceptance.
We have no choice but to make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in. Don’t just like it, but love it. Solitude is an opportunity to work on ourselves, to become more happy, present and peaceful. While monks don’t live alone, their time in solitude or on silent retreat are some of the most transformative and meaningful times in their lives.
Embrace the stillness. Take days off from technological distractions that make you impatient and unhappy. Connect with people in real life instead. All technology does is remove us from the here and now. When we reenter the present moment, we discover a peaceful perfect moment waiting for us.
We’re supposed to be like the chimpanzees, relaxing and thinking, observing and processing our thoughts and experiences. Human society today spends very little time thinking and being. We let other things frequently hijack our very important natural state of being. Play some music, make some art, get into hobbies and interests, meditate and get to know thyself. Having lots of interests makes you interesting, and that will connect you with likeminded people in your community.
Being alone may be scary, but it is actually a blank canvas with infinite possibilities to make your life however you choose.
Path to Peace with Todd Perelmuter Newsletter
Why Keep Living If I Will Be Alone Forever?
This is a question that gets asked because consciously we may have dark thoughts, but subconsciously we know that life is too precious to waste. Life itself is a miracle. Life isn’t just about surviving, it’s about beauty and joy as well.
Would you go into a nursing home and tell every widow to kill themselves? Of course not. We are allowed to be as happy as we can possible be. What stops us? Believing our thoughts and having expectations about how the universe should be. Let all that go and you are free.
Freeing our minds is the greatest feeling we can ever have. It is every human’s birthright. It means we discover the inner steadiness to sustain us through all of life’s ups and downs. Being in solitude allows us a greater gift than people in families to do this because we’re able to live like a monk. Nothing can interfere with extensive meditation, introspection and reflection.
Create a peaceful little altar/meditation room/corner, and allow the mind to settle and become peaceful. Inner peace and joy that requires no external temporary circumstance is the greatest feeling on earth. It is real, it is lasting, and it is our true nature.
Remember, there are millions of people who are alone. If we use technology mindfully, it is easier than ever to find them (avoid falling for catfish scams though by making sure you’re able to meet them in person and in a safe setting). Join clubs, take classes, go to the park, and treat everyone as a friend. The world will project back at you what you are putting out.
There is no such thing as being alone forever. We all depend on one another, we are all connected, and we are all one. Tap into this oneness by discovering your true self and you will never feel alone. More about that in my book, Finding Your True Self: A Love Story.
Am I Too Old to Find the One?
You are not too old! Not even if you are a hundred. 100 is the new 60. At 110 years old you can start a new career, learn a new instrument, and find love. Be the person you’d want to date and you will have no problem. Every single thing that you think is a negative is actually positive. Too old? Great! Less competition. Too awkward? Fantastic! Own it. We’re all human. Nothing is more attractive than confidence, which comes from acceptance.
When you embrace any perceived flaws, they immediately become strengths. Nothing about any person is shameful or unlovable. We’re all flawed human beings. We all have quirks and idiosyncrasies. How wonderful! Life sure would be boring without them.
Question Answered in This Blog:
Q: Dear Todd, it’s my own self-esteem that’s been struck once again to prolong this long battle of wondering, will I ever meet that person? Am I destined to be alone? Have I gotten too old? Will I make it through yet another bout? I’m broken right now but fighting.
