Q: Dear Todd, my stepdaughter had an alcoholic mother who has passed away. And I have recently accepted that I too am an alcoholic. My husband and I haven’t had any booze for 4 months. I suffer over my step daughter tremendously. She is a raging person and never ever apologizes, mostly blaming her behavior on others. She has caused so much pain to her small children, all of her friends and her father who adores her and me. I have prayed and meditated on this. I must have compassion for myself in order to have compassion for her. I would love your input.

TODD ANSWERS: Wow, it sounds like you have made tremendous growth over the past few months. That is wonderful. It is really heartbreaking to see people with such difficult upbringings (as having an alcoholic mother who’s passed would surely be) pass on their generational trauma to children and really every person in their orbit.

But the good news for your stepdaughter and her children is that healing is possible. You are becoming a healing expert and I believe you will be able to provide the calm space for her to expend her manic energy. This really is how we heal and you are on the right track. It starts with self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

The more you heal, the more calming energy you will bring to her. When she realizes there’s no one to fight with, no argument to win, that she can blame everyone else with no pushback, eventually, the ego gets bored and gives up. I know it’s been endlessly frustrating to watch, but try to stay on your journey and keep letting her know she’s more than welcome to join you when she’s ready.