It is never too late to change. At any age, we can make rapid change. Here’s what’s blocking us from doing so, and here’s what we can do to become the person we wish to be.

Luckily, aggression, anger, stubbornness, negativity, pessimism, impatience and tempers are not ingrained in our DNA. But they do become habits. Fortunately for us, habits can be broken in an instant.

I know smokers who smoked five packs a day for 40 years who suddenly quit and no longer had any cravings. The key: becoming aware of the truth about their smoking habit. They realized why they smoked, that smoking did not actually give them what they wanted (less stress and more pleasure, usually), that nothing was preventing them from quitting, and that quitting would actually give them all the benefits they wanted (a long, healthy, happy life of freedom).

Mental habits are no different. To change them, we only need to raise our awareness about them. Addictions are tricky things. They delude us into believing we need them and that they serve us.

Often, anger and aggression were how we learned to express ourselves as young children in order to be heard and seen. Subconsciously, we feel we need to express our suffering as anger in order to communicate just how hurt we are. But in reality, we only end up looking foolish (trust me, former yeller over here 🙋‍♂️) and repelling the people we love and care about.

Anger and aggression are symptoms of the conditioned ego. The ego feels too important. It believes people should always consider our ego, and yet our own ego does not always consider the feelings of others. 

All this stems from the one habit that has created the near universal problem of fragmentary consciousness and the illusion of separateness. This one mental habit has divided us, it makes us impatient, and it compels us to harm ourselves, others, and the planet. More on that here.

The fact is, the ego suffers from insecurity. It is always the child in us who gets triggered and lashes out. It goes into a storm of rage and words begin to fail us so we just start screaming nonsense without a care for how we affect the people we love. Sometimes this rage may be kept inside, but it usually comes out in one way or another. And if it doesn’t come out, it can be expressed as chronic pain or disease.

The moment we realize our anger and aggression do not serve us, that they hurt us, and that we can be free from it right now, that is the moment it stops. But we must first see the mind without judgment. We must see it in its totality, without turning our anger on ourself. This is how we invite kindness and compassion into the mix. How we speak to ourselves is how we speak to others. And often focusing our anger on others is just a way to mask this self-aggression.

We must also notice how we are holding onto our anger and aggression. We must notice how attached we are to the mental stories of how we’ve been wronged. We only hold onto anger because subconsciously we refuse to let go. And the way we let go is to turn our focus to our breath whenever we get caught in an anger storm. Just one moment of breath-awareness silences the mental story and lessens the grip of our aggression. Keep doing this every time aggression starts to arise until it no longer does. If you slip and anger comes out, love and forgive yourself, make amends to the other person if you can, explore why it happened (an outburst is a sign that something still remains hidden from your awareness), and get right back on that horse. 

Once you become aware of something, you cannot become unaware of it. You know it in your bones. It doesn’t take years or decades either. You can do it right now. Become aware of what triggers you, get to the root of it, and stay aware and committed to kindness. The moment you truly, fully decide that aggression and anger never serve you, that it always hurts you, and that nothing is actually stopping you from being the kind and loving person you truly are, that is the moment you will be free.

I have a video that goes into more depth on anger and temper here. I also have a video on quitting smoking as well. For more free resources on addiction, such as smoking and drinking, go here.

Much love,
Todd

P.S. In my latest podcast episode, I talk about the 4 biggest mistakes we make in our lives & what to do instead.