Q: Dear Todd, my narcissistic mother only preyed on me during my most vulnerable times. I’m beyond disappointed, and there’s a lot of anger in my heart when I think of her. How can I heal?

TODD ANSWERS: This is a very tough experience to go through. It is not fair that the person who should be our greatest source of love and support should act in this way. Children growing up to learn that their parents are deeply flawed and troubled is a very hard lesson no child should face. And yet when we look closely at our family, we may find a lineage full of trauma, abuse, neglect, and stressful and tumultuous challenges.

For ourselves, for our children, and for our great great grandchildren, now is a wonderful time to heal that history. The first step is understanding and accepting. Accept where you are — trauma and all. Accept that you did not have the love and support you needed, and that you had a flawed mother instead. And try to understand the events in her life that shaped her into who she is today.

With full acceptance, a clarity can emerge. Instead of hurting, witness the hurt and pain within you. See how her behavior was not a conscious choice to attack you, but rather the unconscious actions of a deeply troubled person.

With clarity and calm, work on healing yourself with love and patience. Allow for the scars to be there as you try to create a new life free from her negative influence. Like physical rehabilitation, you will need some spiritual rehab. It won’t heal overnight, but there can be progress everyday.

Two essential steps for spiritual rehab. 1) Make presence a habit. This is how we heal from the past. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, take a deep, conscious, big belly breath. Do this as many times a day as you can. Eventually, it will become a habit. Breath is the doorway to presence. 2) Ask yourself, how would you respond to life if you had a fully supportive mother? Deep down, you already know the answer.

There is nothing we need to learn to be happy and loving. We only need to unlearn our trauma. At your core — same for every one us — is the untouched, unsoiled, and undefiled light of love and consciousness. We just have to pull back the layers of grime that accumulated from life’s misfortunes to reveal it.