The past does not exist. Its scars may still exist, but scars cannot control us. In this moment, we always have a choice. We can choose to let the past control us, or we can choose to stay present.
First, we have to recognize that our belief that the past controls us is actually a choice. When something bad happens to us, we subconsciously choose to change our ways so that it doesn’t happen again. We create anxiety, fear and panic in order to avoid circumstances that remind us of the past. By creating anxiety, fear and panic, we are building an internal alarm system that we believe will alert us to danger.
But there is an alternative to creating this triggered trauma response. That is to recognize that it is precisely our presence that will protect us far better than fear, anxiety and stress.
So the second thing we need to do is realize that staying aware, present and calm is actually a far better response to trauma and past failures than panic. Remaining calm yet alert is far safer than having a panic attack. When we see our options this clearly, the choice becomes obvious.
In this article, I will share some simple but powerful ways to stay present and relaxed despite being constantly confronted by the echoes of the past.
What to Do When Someone Keeps Reminding You of Your Past Mistake Again and Again?
Most often it is coworkers or our family who keep bringing up a painful past. If a friend or acquaintance did that, we would probably not associate with them for very long. But we’re generally stuck with our colleagues and family members.
When this happens, it’s important to see how we are playing in to 50% of this equation. We do not have to get angry. We do not have to get triggered at all. We can just peacefully witness an disturbed person trying to disturb others.
When a boss or family member screams at us, we get triggered. When a stranger on the sidewalk screams at us, we can more easily cross to the other side of the street. When we watch a movie and see screaming, we do not even react at all. This is the way.
It is your identification with the past that causes the suffering. You are not your past. You are this moment. If you are someone who learns from the past, there are no mistakes. Someone else can weave an elaborate tale of fiction, they can tell the whole world, but that doesn’t matter one bit to a person who knows the truth.
Are we not allowed mistakes? Is there a person on earth who has never made a mistake? Even murderers are released after having done their time. There is absolutely no reason to put yourself in a prison in your mind for your entire life. Freedom lies in forgiveness — self-forgiveness.
How to Move on When Someone Is Trying to Ruin Your Reputation?
It really takes trusting the universe that the universe has bigger plans in store for you, even if we can’t see them right now. Instead of trying to do something, let the universe do it for you. The universe always returns to balance.
What is in our control is acting with integrity. That is our business. This restores our reputation to the people who matter. The people who do not recognize integrity instead choose to suffer in a false sense of righteous anger, always finger-pointing in order to avoid self-reflection. That is their business. Getting mixed up in other people’s business is a surefire recipe for disaster.
What If People Are Using Your Past Against You?
This world is full of people we cannot control. But the good news is, we can control the one person who truly matters — ourself.
This is where the practice of presence comes in. All reaction starts as a mental reaction. When someone says something we don’t like, our minds explode with rage. We obsess over these brief moments in our lives, making them bigger and bigger. We think retribution will quell our chaotic mind. But this is not so. The keys to a peaceful mind lie in the present moment.
When we are present, we are not reacting. We can watch peacefully as someone tries to tarnish our good name. We can have inner stillness as someone tries to push our buttons. And guess what, it is our calm demeanor in the face of cruelty that show the rest of the world we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be embarrassed by, and nothing to regret.
Just as an average looking person who walks around thinking they’re beautiful conveys an attractive confidence that makes everyone else think they are more attractive than they actually are, when we are nonchalant about our mistakes, the world will naturally assume they were not that serious. Our attitude tells others how important something is.
When we are insecure, others assume our defects. When we are confident, others assume we are credible. If a parent freaks out when they see their young child scraped their knee, the child will freak out and start crying. If the parent conveys that there’s nothing to worry about, the child can easily go along with their day.
How to Be Present When Confronted with the Past
You are always in control of your focus and attention. A magician may try to make you look over there, but once you know his tricks, you can stay focused on what he’s doing with his other hand.
So too, when someone is trying to be hurtful, you don’t have to give them your attention. You can stare at their nose, listen to the tone of their voice instead of the words, and pay attention to their energy. Energy and tone tell us much more than words. Words can be hurtful, but when we pay attention to tone and energy, we notice that these people are just unleashing their own pain. Then, we no longer respond to their words. Their words become unimportant.
Listening to the words of an unhinged rant would be like trying to make sense of the ramblings of a psychiatric patient. In that case, we would be the ones requiring psychiatric help for taking seriously a patient’s hallucinations.
Don’t escape into your mind’s mental games of pride, ego, anger, hatred and vengeance. Instead look deeper into the present moment beneath the surface. Don’t argue with someone having a mild psychiatric episode. Don’t agree either. Just watch it like you would watch a movie. There’s no need for hate, anger, or shame when we see people beyond their surface.
You know who you are. No one else can tell you that. What they say need not matter.
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How to Deal with Such People?
Some people can be persuaded. Others cannot. The only way to know is to constantly stay present and peaceful. This prevents pushing too much, walking away too soon, and allows us to find the middle path.
Sometimes, walking away and forgetting about someone is doable and the best choice. Often they will forget about you after a short time.
Other times, calming and reassuring a person is the best way to get someone to cool off. This isn’t giving in. It is about not letting your ego cloud your judgment and prevent you from getting what you ultimately want.
And still yet other times, talking without anger, calmly and clearly can remove any misunderstandings in people who are genuine and well-intentioned.
Only by staying present can we know what to do in each moment. By letting go of the past, we can avoid carrying its burden for the rest of our lives. Someone else can bring it up, but it is always us who chooses whether to carry it or not.
Question Answered in This Blog:
Dear Todd, how do you let go of a past mistake? Life continues to forward a mistake and taint my new life chapters. It’s out of my control when a past boss continues to slander your name! Destroy thy reputation. I’ve tried to let go, yet it continues to haunt me, how to move on and let go?
It is always NOW…..