We all want to be liked and we crave acceptance. And yet, at times we can feel like everyone is judging us or hating us. Ironically, it’s often the people-pleasers who are most sensitive to this phenomenon. They want to be liked by everyone (which is impossible) and so when just one person is unkind, they notice. This can make it very difficult to have a peaceful life. So what can we do?
There are two things we can do.
- Number one, let go of the desire to be liked by everyone.
- And two, know how to respond with wisdom and confidence. In today’s article, I’ll share how to do both.
Why Do I Feel that Way?
It is very natural to want approval. It is hardwired into our DNA. Early humans, like our chimpanzee relatives, survived in groups. To be on one’s own in the wilderness meant almost certain death. To coexist was a survival mechanism, and still is to some extent. We have just exchanged small groups for governments and nations. Instead of relying on the tribe to take care of the elderly, we rely on the state or insurance companies.
But the root of our modern cause of this judgmental, hateful, and slanderous suffering stems from our misidentification with our persona — an imaginary construct that does not exist. When our ego is bruised, this is an illusion. When our reputation is tarnished, nothing actually gets tarnished.
Just because we witness our thoughts and the sensations in our bodies does not mean that we are these minds and bodies. That is part of the elaborate illusion. Just because I witness a car does not mean I am the car. What we witness we cannot be.
As long as we believe we are a separate self, we will suffer the results of that illusion. When we realize the oneness beneath the surface, we can take a broader perspective that can begin to understand the pain and suffering beneath someone else’s cruelty. As long as we identify with our ego (mind), we will react with anger and hatred, becoming the very thing we hate — a person who turns their suffering into hate and judgment of others.
How to Stop Feeling Like That
Step 1:
First, we have to remember that most people are usually too busy thinking about themselves than other people. Even when they are thinking of others, they are doing so in an effort to feel better about themselves. Most people live in an internal monologue, and that narrative — the ego — tells us how we should feel about ourselves in comparison to other people. So it’s not personal, even when it seems deeply personal.
Step 2:
Second, we have to do our best to make sure that other people’s karma (i.e. their pain, they’re past, and the causes and effects of their life that led them to this moment) doesn’t bring us down.
Most people think karma is personal, but Nazi Germany suffered one man’s horrific karma. Adolf Hitler was so abused as a child, felt so rejected and humiliated as an adult, that he took his pain out on the entire Western world.
When you are suffering someone else’s karma, it’s vital to stay vigilantly aware and make sure you do not internalize their suffering.
Meditate Rather than Accumulate
Rather than picking up and collecting other people’s karma, sit with your thoughts and feelings until they dissipate. This way you don’t explode in rage at your loved ones later that day or a few years from now.
Karma means cause and effect. Everything follows the laws of karma. Unkindness will turn into rage, physical illness or pain, addiction, or mental unwellness. Or, we can transmute it through meditation, exercise, yoga, or a walk through nature. Just as the plants turn carbon dioxide into oxygen, they are equally as happy to turn our pain into peace.
How to Accept Being Judged and Hated
Step 1:
Whoever can master the art of not being liked will soon discover a richer social life than they could have ever imagined. This is the first step to accepting being judged or hated.
When we stop caring what others think, we become free to be ourselves. This leads us to find other people who love our true self, not the fake version which leads to so much conflict and judgment.
Being our true, confident self doesn’t just attract like-minded people. Everyone respects someone who is free and confident.
Being needy and desperate for approval comes off dishonest and disingenuous, because it is. It is manipulating people to like you based on a false version of yourself. Confidence is the opposite of neediness. Understanding this is key to letting go of a need to always be liked.
Step 2:
Now that we’ve given up the silly idea of being liked by everyone on a conscious level, step 2 is understanding this deep in our subconscious mind. To do this, we have to meditate deeply on the nature of praise and blame.
Subconsciously, we think we will be happy if we have everything we want in life. This is not so. Things, and even praise, do not lead to lasting happiness.
Have you ever been embarrassed by a compliment? Have you ever felt awkward accepting praise? Most of us have experienced this.
You see, we think we want praise, but really praise often makes us feel bad. Someone complimenting us almost makes us feel like a little child being praised for brushing their teeth. It makes the complimenter seem above us and makes us feel small.
What we really crave is feeling needed, not needy. We like to feel valued. We like when others are grateful towards us. The beauty here is that we can each be of service to our friends, families, and community in our own unique way.
Here, the task is to become selfless in your service. Don’t do it for the “thanks,” but do it for yourself. When you are selfless, it doesn’t matter if there is praise or blame, success or failure, approval or disapproval. All that matters is that you spent your time doing what you truly love.
When you do what you truly love, others will naturally appreciate you. Especially when it’s sincere. You can focus on improving the lives of people who you truly care about. Those who don’t appreciate it can go on their merry way, but you will always be doing what you truly love.
Everything selfish leads to temporary pleasure, but selflessness leads to permanent joy. It doesn’t even matter if you fail or succeed at trying to help people, it’s about the journey. You will not get angry if people are angry with you because it wasn’t about the praise.
By doing this, no one else can have the power to increase or diminish your inner peace. You increase your own peace every moment you step out of your personal cravings and desires.
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The Truth About Judgment and Hatred
Some people hate everything and everyone. You will cross their path at times throughout your life.
Some people will not be as loving and kind as you would be. To expect everyone to love everyone would be a delusion.
But the cruelty of the world is not intentional. It is hurt people who are unaware of what they are doing. Love them and forgive them. You don’t have to live with them or make dinner plans with them. You can stay very far away from hurtful people. But you can love them.
It is always the people we hate the most that need our love the most. They certainly did not get enough of it. I know it’s hard, but it is the only way to create a better world. The people who are hardest to love are the ones we need to direct our love towards most.
It is truly the best revenge to respond with love. They want to see someone else hurt as much as they are. Don’t give them that gift. Give them love. Give yourself love. Then it doesn’t matter what others do or say because you will always be overflowing with love.
Question Answered in This Blog:
Dear Todd, I feel like everyone is judging me and hating me. It’s making it difficult to have a peaceful life. What should I do?
